You can’t choose your parents.

When I was younger I was shown a long list of things. My parents were living their lives of addiction and me, and my siblings were left to pick up the pieces. It isn’t what us children wasted, but it’s what we saw and what we decided was our reality.

Years later my parents got sober and made a better life for themselves. At different times, but made the change. When us children were younger, we were able to witness courage and strength, and mistakes as well. It all changed who we were and made us who we are today.

I’ve always been a forgiver and someone who believes in forgiving those even when they don’t deserve it. I believe, and I know that my parents are profound people with amazing talents and love. I’ve forgiven them for the things we’ve been shown and the things we’ve been told. But I will never forget.

When bad things happen and we all argue and get into fights I find myself taking a lot of things personal. I look at myself after the argument thinking, “What could you have done differently? What should be changing within you?” And although a good portion of my family doesn’t believe that, I truly do that. I take it so personal because I believe that I could have changed the entire argument if I had just been “a better person”. Now, that may sound dysfunctional or maybe even good - I don’t know. But I do know I take a lot to heart and I’m constantly changing things about me due to those around me. I don’t want to be a mediocre person, I want to be the best I can be. I always want to make sure my side of the street is clean.

It’s important to me to continuously do this and make sure I’m the best person I can be. I don’t like knowing I wasn’t responsible and I wasn’t able to accomplish this. I really don’t like letting people down.

I have to remind myself that I’m human, not a mannequin - easily changed and defined.

For the first time in my life;

I have not let any drama get in the way of my personal happiness. I’ve actually found a lot of what has happened in my life recently extremely comical. People have so many things happening, and useless comments made about their lives are the last thing that he or she need. Stay strong my beautiful people. Stay focused on what is important and what is most valuable. 🌸

pimpcesssss:

seeing things in a new perspective reminds you how beautiful life is

Anonymous: "What friend are you talking about in your last post?"

A few friends, no one in particular. Don’t have a guilty conscious love.

I do not think people realize how strong they are. If you, personally, look in the past of your life, and think about all of the times you did not think you could get through something, and you did, that is living proof that you’re strong. I remember being 10 and coming home having anxiety attacks about my grades, thinking I seriously could not make it another day feeling the way I did. I remember one night of fighting with my mother about something so small that I did wrong (I was about 12) and she told me some terrible things, and I stayed up all night thinking about how terrible I was as a child. I could not leave the thought in my mind. I even called a friend and told her how I felt like I could not move on from that particular night. She cried with me, and told me she understood and she talked me through all of the sadness. Even though that was over eight years ago I still remember the endless empty feeling I had in my stomach, sitting up all night feeling so terrible. It was a terrible night for my young self, but I got through it. Years pass and I have been through way more extreme situations and I still got through it. Humans are capable of beautiful things, mentally and physically.

This is something so important! You do NOT have to post about every detail. What is more important is the actual relationship and what is happening within it. Is there space? Happiness? Dependency issues? The issue should not be about the Instagram post.

(Source: everyoneisbomb)

Worry (rant)

I worry of my loved ones quite a lot. There are not a lot of people who I consider a loved one. Not because I do not love those, but because a loved one is someone very close to me. Someone above my boyfriend, or at equal level - like blood.

There have been people who have popped into my life throughout the years and the older I get, the more I realize how much I want them to stay. I do not want it to repeat itself again. I want the friendship to stay strong. And as the days go by, and the more texts I send, the more attempts I give, the more I realize some people are better off in doses. Not everyone wants to talk all day, or do not want to see me. Sounds bitter, but it is true.

I want to be a 2 am call to just talk, or a skype to vent. And I’ve always wanted that with someone. There has been one person I have been incredibly close to that achieved that with me, but obviously, it did not work out. Not because of me, but her. It’s just this love-hate relationship with constantly trying to make friendships continue and never having the work returned.

It is so draining. I am currently feeling this with a friend and it is so worrying. I have this immense amount of guilt and sorrow that I did something completely wrong (which I already think I did). It leaves me with this ending thought -

"Who could love me. I am crazy."

“Maturing is realizing how many things don’t require your comment.” — Rachel Wolchin

(Source: fellinlovewithmelancholy)

Education is so difficult. And it truly shouldn’t be. It should be simplicity and have options for everyone. And debt should never be the next though after “college”.

(Source: condescendist)

Venting.

Sometimes all you actually need to do is vent, and then clear your mind. It’s okay to let your problems out. I thank the person I vented to last night. Because he made me laugh and think seriously about my decisions in the course of three hours.

Sometimes it’s necessary, and vital.